Amazing what you can learn from a bottle.
(Takes me right back to varsity, that does.)

We have a lot of bottles. A LOT of bottles. And in the process of acquiring bottles, we’ve learned a lot too. And not just about bottles.

First, we learned that there is no “best bottle”. The best bottle on the market is the one your child will drink from, period. That goes for just about everything else. The best nappy is the one that works for you. The best feeding utensil? You guessed it. Bedding? Yup.

It gets more complicated. Not only have we gone through multiple brands and variations of bottles, we’ve also changed nipples and formula and temperature and quantities. We learned early that as our children’s needs changed, we had to adapt with them. Within reason – if they decide they’ll only drink from gold-plated Armani bottles, the little sods can jolly well go thirsty Ditto bedding, clothes, etc.

In doing so, I’ve concluded that all the “approved”, “preferred”, “proven”, “best” etc.  nonsense on the packaging is generally just that: nonsense. If it’s a bottle your kid will drink from, great. And they’ll get wind regardless, and you’ll deal with it. (When did our kids stop needing to be burped? I wish I could remember. Feels like a milestone I’ve forgotten.) And just because it works for me doesn’t mean it’ll work for you, which also means I’ll never make a million writing a “how to choose the right bottle for your baby” book. Unless I just lie. Hmm. Actually…

Now, there does seem to be a fairly consistent theme among other parents we’ve spoken to: the Dr Browns bottles really do seem to work well. We ended up on those after a few others, and we’ve stayed there. They’re finicky – way more moving parts than other bottles means dismantling them to clean them and then re-mantling them again when you prepare formula. They’re not perfect – they leak quite badly if laid down (extra air-flow works both ways), for example. But hey, they work. We’re happy.

Which has also been a big wake-up – just how important trusted recommendations are. Social media, which I view with a great deal of distrust, is hugely valuable for niche communities, like parents of multiples. The power of recommendation is enormous. It’s also very fuzzy, because you can and will encounter plenty of very weird opinions (seriously people, go f*cking vaccinate already) but it averages out if you’re savvy and/or sceptical (between Candice and I, we’re both, so that’s good…) Suddenly all those social media marketing people do actually seem to have a reason to exist, though the local brands are just astoundingly useless at it.

Another lesson was in the sheer number of bottles (among other things) – we underestimated at first, despite thinking we were being as realistic as possible. We have a lot, because we use eight a day, unless an overnight  top-up is required in which case it’s nine (they share that one). We’d spend our lives washing bottles if we didn’t have enough to get us through a day-and-a-bit. So, that means a minimum bottle-count of 10, and we can get by with a single wash-up a day.

Which has been another lesson: schedules. Bugger demand-feeding. That is not an option for multiples. You set a schedule and you stick to it like glue because otherwise you’ll do nothing but run from task to task, chore to chore, and baby to baby. And it works pretty darned well, which makes me think it’d work well for singles too, which in turn makes me wonder, somewhat uncharitably, if this whole demand-nonsense is new agey hippy self-satisfaction for parents who are too limp-wristed to enforce a schedule. (Good luck when they’re in school, sucker!)

Oh, and I realised a while ago that I should have been saving the formula tins. Could have built that garden shed out of them by now.

I am a working mother. I vaccinate. I only breastfed my babies for six weeks. I started my babies on solids at four months. I didn’t let my babies self wean. I sometimes let my babies cry it out. I didn’t wear my babies. I sometimes rock my babies to sleep.  We have a schedule. I let my babies have a bottle in their cots. I can’t tell what my babies are crying for when they are crying. Most of the time I have no idea what I am doing. Most of the time I don’t know what to do. I feel overwhelmed 90% of the time. I don’t have a mother’s “instinct”. I neglect my husband’s needs.

And I feel guilty about it all.

A few weeks ago, one of my boys was crying and he turned to his nanny for comfort and wouldn’t come to me. I was broken – it was one of my worst fears. You see I am a working mother of twin babies. I don’t have a choice; we need the money to pay for the bigger house, the food, nappies (diapers for my foreign readers) and a million sundry other goods that get us from day to day.

In an effort to find some comfort for my baby’s reaction, I searched the Web to find other moms that went through this. And what I found was lies, lies, more lies and judgement.

Comments like: “raise your own children” or “well it’s your own fault for not being there for them”, litter parenting forums. I was shocked, and my guilt just deepened. I have tried to console myself with the facts, but they never seem to cover the deep sense of shame I live with constantly.

Paulina, the amazing nanny

Motherhood is hard enough without the judgement we pile on each other for the choices we make about and for our children. And I realised the other day that I am just as judgemental as other moms – but I am working on it.

At a playgroup Jon and I take the boys to, I overheard a conversation another mom was having with the teacher about being a working mom. Like me, she enjoys her job, but she feels guilty about working long hours. But she said confidently to the teacher: “A happy mom makes for a happy baby.” These are wise words – but my first reaction was: “who is she trying to convince?”

I know now, that my own thoughts on parenting are coloured by the judgements that have been hammered home for years.

It was probably a bad idea, but in an effort to test this theory, I looked around for some of the other issues I felt guilty about. What I found was the guilt we moms feel is because we lie to each other and judge one another for the choices we make.

We pretend that we know everything, when we really don’t. Well at least I don’t, and I find it hard to believe that I am the only one.

I can finally tell the voices of my twins apart when I hear them on the monitor, but I have no idea why they are crying. That old adage that says you will learn to tell what your baby needs, when he needs it is quite frankly a crock. Another lie developed to make mothers feel inadequate.

I wasn’t suddenly blessed with the “motherly instinct” that so many mothers talk about. Forums are plagued with statements like “you know your baby best”, and “I just knew there was something wrong”. I don’t have that – and I am starting to wonder if it even exists.

For the most part, we twin moms get off slightly lighter than moms of singletons. Breastfeeding twins, after all, is a feat that most singleton moms can’t wrap their heads around.

But thousands of moms of multiples (yes triplets included) get it right. I was unlucky. My milk was so low that I couldn’t have even fed a single baby, let alone two. And after six weeks of feeling like a milked cow with the double pump and its horrid mooing noises, I decided to pack it in. My boys are healthy and happy, but I still wonder if they wouldn’t have been “better off” if I had persisted.

On top of that I have had the boys on a schedule since the day the arrived home from the hospital. And last week on a forum I read for multiple moms, a mom to be of twins asked whether people thought a schedule was good or demand feeding better. The responses were astounding. Moms that scheduled their babies were generally ok with whatever worked. But moms that demand fed were so militant. They posted comments like “if you don’t demand feed, your babies will be undernourished.” More guilt to add to the growing pile – my boys are under the 50% mark for their weights – they are not unhealthy, but they are small. I don’t believe it was because I didn’t demand feed – but I can’t help but wonder.

Add to all that the contradictory so-called “professional” advice out there that makes for a minefield for parents. Many of you will already have read the sleep advice article, which hit the Internet by storm last week. The reason it has become a meme, is because it’s so true.

The harsh judgement between moms I can sort of understand. We have found what works for our babies and we may feel like we have hit on a winning formula that can be used elsewhere. But as my hubby aptly says: “even with our boys, what works for one doesn’t work for the other, and they are twins.”

But why do we lie about what we have right and what we don’t? Why do we feel the need to present to the world this picture perfect scenario that certainly doesn’t reflect reality?

One post on the multiple forum really hit home for me. A mom asked if other people had experienced difficulties in their marriages after their twins were born. What a refreshing post to see someone admit to the not so pretty joyous and wonderful side of parenting.

Amazing dad

When the boys turned nine months, everything started to go downhill. They didn’t sleep, they didn’t eat, they cried almost constantly – when changing the nappies, when changing their clothes, when eating, in the middle of the night. Jon and I had so little sleep and I became a mad woman. Constantly angry, constantly irritated, and I took it out on Jon. The boys have settled somewhat over the last two or so weeks, and I am heading back to normality, but my madness took its toll on our marriage.  It was so good to know I wasn’t alone – so comforting to know that other moms also went through the madness. But these kinds of truths are so few and far between.

If we were honest with each other, moms and dads would be far better prepared for parenting. Sure people say parenting is hard – but no one ever clarifies what it means and the perpetual lies and judgement only makes the truth harder to cope with.

So for moms (and dads) that are feeling inadequate – you are not. You are like millions of other parents out there struggling to find the answer to the questions: “what is the best way to raise my child?” And the answer is – “as you are.”

With just under a month to go till the boys turn one, I thought I would finally post my baby bump video. Enjoy!

I really wish I could find the author of this poem. But I thought I would share it with you anyway.

Mother of Twins Prayer

There’s two to wash,
There’s two to dry;

There’s two who argue,
There’s two who cry.

One’s in the mud,
Having a ball;

The other holds a crayon…
Another marked wall.

Some days seem endless,
My patience grows thin.

Why did God choose me
To be a mother of twins?

The answer comes clear-
At the end of the day,

As I tuck them in bed
And to myself I say…

There’s two to kiss,
There’s two to hug;
And best of all, Thank You, God, for two to love.

It’s a hard knock life

Let me tell you about the last three months. It has been the hardest three months of our time with the boys.

People often tell you about new babies and sleep deprivation. We never had that. When our boys came home from the hospital, they slept well only waking for two feeds a night and going instantly back to sleep. As they grew and hit weight milestones they dropped the one feed and then the other and were sleeping through like champs by 4 and a half months.

What people don’t tell you is about cusp ages – 9 months being one of them – where all that hard work getting them to sleep through was for naught. Sleep deprivation doesn’t happen in the early days – it happens later – when you least expect it to – and it happens suddenly.

Out of nowhere, babies refuse to take naps, refuse to eat food, and to my horror, refuse to sleep through at night – and let you know in no uncertain terms they don’t like what you are trying to get down their gullet. More often than not, the food ends up on you, or the floor, or all over their clothes – but hardly ever in their mouths.

There is no explanation for this cusp age. My baby bible “Baby Sense” has one tiny paragraph on the phenomenon of cusp ages, but no detail on how to cope with it. And when you have two babies reaching this “milestone” at different times – it’s a living nightmare.

But that isn’t even the start of the pain of the last three months.

The cusp age of nine months was preceded by a bout of terrible illness in the family.

It first started with a visit to the paediatrician. The boys both had a little sniffle, which she told us it was nothing to worry about, but prescribed some nose drops anyway. Not two days later, Alex developed a terrible chest cold – and that was the start of the sleepless nights.

Alex was duly put onto an antibiotic, which seemed to help. Luckily our doctor prescribed a second antibiotic in case Dylan came down with it, which he did – a few days later.

After a week or so, they were still coughing, so I decided to take them back to the doctor. She told me it was just a little postnasal drip left over and they would be fine.

Loving water

A few days later, Alex spiked an insane fever and I rushed off to the emergency room to have him seen to. They clearly weren’t worried about him, because it took them over an hour to see to us. So there I was, with a sick, unhappy, screaming baby, worried sick myself, and they sauntered around us like there was nothing wrong.

They told me it was an infection in the sinus and sent us home with an antibiotic. We have never had to put the boys on antibiotics before, and here we were with a second lot in as many weeks.

The next day, I noticed a terrible rash growing on Alex and called my doctor who stayed at the office long enough for me to get the baby packed up and to her. Sure as nuts, Alex happens to be allergic to penicillin, a reaction that apparently takes a few tries to start showing. So we ditched the antibiotics and breathed a sigh of relief that he didn’t have a worse reaction to it.

It was about this time when they hit nine months and the weird eating and sleeping kicked in.

Needless to say, Jon and I were wiped out. I think it was because of my now very low immune system that I picked up the gastro that was going around the office – and brought it home.

This story gets a bit graphic here, so if you have a sensitive stomach, now is the time to stop reading.

Jon, Alex and Dylan all managed to pick up the gastro from me. Alex, my little baba, got it the worst. He had the worse diarrhoea – so bad that it burned his poor little bottom. We tried everything, no wipes, new creams, no creams, more creams, no nappy, sunlight – nothing worked. It got so bad, I eventually showed the chemist who gave us an antifungal and some Cortisone cream. This worked a charm, and he is now pain free.

That brings us to now – while things seem to be settling down, they are still sleeping erratically and fussing at suppertime. We can now add a serious bout of teething to the list, with Dylan finally getting his two bottom teeth and Alex working on his top two.

But while it’s been the hardest time in our lives, the boys are equally rewarding. I can get them to laugh at the drop of a hat – literally. And they are so happy to love Jon and I that I could burst.

They have also moved into the big bath – unassisted and without seating and loving every minute of it. Interestingly – and slightly frustratingly, they are testing each other – stealing toys and throwing tantrums. But it’s still good to see how they interact.

So you have been warned – 9 months is no joke, but it’s as wonderful as it is difficult.

That’s my spoon

I used to look scornfully on parents that went all out for their babies’ first birthdays, putting all that effort into a party that the children won’t remember really didn’t make any sense to me.

But I suddenly understand it. The first birthday isn’t for the babies; it’s for the parents.

For Jon and I, this birthday, which is going to happen in just under three months, is probably going to be one of our biggest milestones.

While I have no doubt the boys will have a blast on the day, I don’t think they will remember it.

But Jon and I will.

For us, it makes all those sleepless nights and hard times worth every second that they cost. It has been a tough year, and a wonderful year, and this birthday just puts pay to all the hard work we have put into shaping our boys for the future.

I am looking forward to sharing that milestone with friends and family. Because what better way to celebrate the family you are shaping than with the people that helped shape you.

I can’t believe its already a year since we heard their first cries; a year since we waited in ICU for the moment they would take a bottle; a year since we packed them in orange and yellow outfits into the car seats to take them home.

So while its still early, Jon and I have started planning the party for the boys.

We have been reading the Dr Seuss stories to the boys over the last few weeks and those stories have become very special to us as a family. That is why we have chosen the theme of Dr Seuss for the party. It doesn’t hurt that we can dress the boys up as Thing 1 and Thing 2 and get Jon a Cat in the Hat hat. I think I may have to be a Lorax tree…

We chatted about whether to get one or two cakes for the boys, because if there is one thing we want for our boys is never to have to “share” their birthday. While we can’t get around the day, we can always give them their own birthday party. So initially, we settled on two cakes, but I think it might be better if we do cupcakes and separate them into two towers.

We can do all the Dr Seuss characters on cupcakes. Some with Thing 1 and Thing 2, some little hats, some with stars and some without, some with One Fish and some with Two Fish.

At this point, the party will happen in our garden. It will be winter, but I am hoping it will still be warm enough to have an outside shindig. Our little patio is ideal for the party favours and a layout of stunning goodies to eat and drink.

I will also be making party hats for everyone – so those that don’t want to dress up can still be part of the fun.

I found this fantastic blog by a mom that made the blue hair for her little ones, and I plan on thieving that idea to make the boy’s costumes. I do need a couple of red onsies and have Thing 1 and Thing 2 printed on them. Luckily there is a printer near Jon’s office that does that kind of thing, so it shouldn’t be too difficult.

I am hoping to get those outfits done soon, so that we can do a photo shoot with the boys for the invitations.

So any ideas for decorations or food would be welcome. I will keep updating with all the ideas as they come up.

My little Alex is running a terrible temperature. We are not 100% sure why, but the doctor seemed unconcerned. This horrible fever started yesterday and I immediately took him to the emergency room to get checked-up. The doctor believes its inflammation in the sinuses, but it seems so much worse. Maybe its because I am his mom and worried. But after a urine test and a once-over, that’s the doctor’s diagnosis.

Now he has an antibiotic, some nasal spray and a horrible suppository to try keep the fever down.

But until any of that stuff starts working, I can’t tell him that it will all be ok. I can’t let him know that he will feel better in the morning. It must feel like torture, there must be no end in sight of that horrible feeling of being superbly ill.

As adults we can rationalise that illness will pass and we will once again feel human. Babies don’t yet have that capacity.

Plus – this will be the second round of antibiotics in three weeks that this poor child will have been on. A few weeks ago, the paediatrician diagnosed a cold in both the boys. Just a few days later and it became a chest infection for Alex, Dylan followed a week later, but with a milder form – still both had antibiotics and parents had two really hard weeks.

Last week I took them back to the doctor to make 100% sure they were getting better, because they both still had a cough. Doctor said all is well, but they still had a little postnasal drip.

And now this.

I just want to scoop him up and make it all better, but I can’t make the horrible feeling go away – and it’s so hard.

My little Dylan has been a super star. With Alex super sick, Dylan has had to take a little bit of a back seat in the attention department. But he has really just got on with playing with his toys and being generally a really good baby. He is usually quite keen on getting attention, but has been really supportive of his brother. (I hope its not just coincidence, but I am not that naïve to believe it is anything but)

Both Jon and I are very tired though. Sick babies are exhausting – they sleep poorly eat worse and that worries the living daylights out of both of us – and that worry makes us (at least me) very tired.

I have also noticed that doctors are very unlikely to charge less for a consultation of two babies, even though it probably takes less time to examine the two boys at the same time, than it does to examine two patients in two time slots. But that’s a discussion for another post.

Right now, all I want is for the fever to break and my little Alex to start laughing again.

Dads of multiples are really the unsung heroes of parenting. For some dads, parenting babies is changing the occasional nappy, sometimes taking over the feeds, dipping baby in a bath every now and then and lots of play time. Don’t get me wrong, there are dads that really take a hands-on approach with babies, but for those daddies that do it more, it’s almost always a choice.

But daddies of multiples are thrust into mommy-hood in much the same ways mommies are.

Daddies of multiples get up in the middle of the night to quiet crying babies, daddies of multiples always bath at least one baby every night. Daddies of multiples change a million nappies a week. Daddies of multiples feed at least one baby everyday – several times.

Our first full nappy bag

And daddies of multiples do all this without having a mommies group to get advice from, without having another mommydad figure to bounce ideas off of or get some perspective from.  Lets face it, most dads would rather talk about the rugby game over a bear than a baby’s feeding schedule or the contents of a baby’s nappy.

My hubby and dad to twins, does all of this and more. He was at the hospital everyday – several times a day, even with a full time job when the boys were in ICU.

He did night feeds while our boys were growing and took early mornings when they woke at 4am.

There are nights when he sleeps on a tiny cot mattress to make sure that he is up quickly to quiet one of the twins so that the one doesn’t wake the other – or more importantly me – when he cries.

Most days, my hubby takes the hardest (supper time) feed of the day, because I am still at work at that time. The supper feed almost always has one or both of the twins screaming (still have no idea why) and makes for a very trying evening.

Having some play time

Over the last week or so, the twins have been extremely sick and you could say this has been the hardest week we have ever had with the twins. But my hubby has soothed tears, hugged babies, bounced babies, given medicine and generally mommied in a way that only mommies could.

He has muddled along beside me, mostly uncomplaining. He has washed vomit off babies more times than I can count. He has smiled, he has laughed, and he has been our pillar of strength even through the hardest times.

He has never flinched at runny nappies and pops stuff into the washing machine like a pro. He washes dishes, he makes supper and he gives me two nights a week to go to pilates and ballet.

Just being a hero dad

Joss Whedon said it best: “The thing about a hero, is even when it doesn’t look like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, he’s going to keep digging, he’s going to keep trying to do right and make up for what’s gone before, just because that’s who he is.”

I hope my Jon knows that he is our hero.

If there is one thing I would share with a new twin mom, or any other mom for that matter, it would be: “You will have too many baby clothes.”

Not to sound ungrateful, because I am exceptionally grateful: but when we had our baby shower, I was marginally disappointed that we didn’t get loads of clothes (we did get a ton of nappies – which we only recently finished and I am now ever so appreciative that we received more nappies and fewer clothes).

At the beginning of our twin journey, I was working on two very inaccurate assumptions: firstly that twins would need double the clothing that a singleton would need and secondly we would need loads of clothing, because babies get messy.

After the shower, I immediately bustled off to Ackermans and bought a ton of baby clothes. I love buying baby clothes – so Jon has to generally keep me out of places that sell them (I spend far too much).

My boys started out in preemie or tiny baby gear, which basically lasted about two weeks. Buying new-born, or 0-3 month sized clothing in bulk was a mistake, because the babies went through these sizes like Jennifer Aniston does boyfriends. I just blinked and we needed to buy the next size up.

Fortunately the pace slowed a little by the time we hit the 3-6 month range, but it didn’t stop altogether and we suddenly need the 6-12 month outfits.

Needless to say, all the baby clothes I had for the boys meant that we could keep nothing else in their room – we were practically swimming in the cutest baby gear.

After several weeks of my hubby nagging, I finally got around to sorting out what they still fit into and what they don’t. I packed up two black bags of items that they no longer fit into and they have been given to a friend who is expecting a baby boy any time now. I must admit, it was really hard to put some items into that bag, and the outfits that we brought the boys home in I stashed for posterity’s sake. But for most of the items I shed a quiet tear and stuffed it in the bag.

The outfits that were hardest to give away

I was astounded to find that at least 30% of the clothing we had for the boys still had tags on – never been worn.

My two assumptions about how many outfits we needed for the boy obliterated in the half an hour it took me to sort the clothes.

Firstly, if you are as lucky as we are to have a full time nanny that takes responsibility for all the baby stuff, you don’t need nearly as many outfits as you think you do, especially if washing gets done every other day.

Many twin moms I know have helpers, or do washing regularly as we do – probably more so than moms with singletons. So you effectively need the same or maybe a few more items of clothing as a singleton baby would wear. I guess if you don’t have the luxury of a helper, you made need a few more items to save you washing time, but I can assure you, you have far more than you need.

The second assumption I made was partially true. Babies do get messy, but between new-born and the 8 months my boys are now, not messy enough to warrant a complete outfit change during the middle of the day. And lets face it, if mom can wonder around shops with pumpkin on her shirt, then the boys can live with the tiny blob of pears that got past the bib until bath time.

Jon and I have decided that we are going to keep the boy’s wardrobe down to a minimum (there go my baby shopping sprees) to prevent a repeat of finding unworn outfits three months from now.

Whether or not I manage to keep my debit card in my pocket the next time I wonder through Woollies  remains to be seen, but the principle stands.

Lunch with Dylan

Lunch with Alex

I have come to terms with the funny looks I get at my local Spar from tellers looking at the orange stains on my shoulders and the bits of biscuit on my face which I inevitably forget to wipe off after the boys have done feeding.

All moms know that feeding babies can be a messy business. Double that up at every breakfast lunch and supper and you have what looks like a hurricane has been through the house by the time the twins are done feeding. I find bits of teething biscuits or the laughing cow cheese in all sorts of strange and wonderful places hours after the boys have gone to sleep.

None of it really bothers me, because I actually love feeding time. I love that the boys have preferences for food and they are very vocal about the foods they don’t like. Trouble is, they don’t like the same things – which makes feeding both interesting and limited.

It’s a problem we have had since the boys started solids – I guess it started before when Alex needed a different (more expensive) formula when he started bringing up the Nan 1.

Back at 4 months, Alex started eating solids like a pro. He didn’t skip a beat and swallowed almost everything we gave him. Dylan was a little slower to take solids, but he is now in the swing of things and devours most meals without batting an eyelid.

Now we are trying to introduce different textures and meals to the mix, it seems they have swapped sides. Alex loves anything that’s practically liquid (even though he is the baby with teeth), while Dylan loves all sorts of tastes and textures (no teeth but chews like a champ).

When I buy the pureed foods, I generally buy in bulk. The sage wisdom is that you should feed your baby the same food (if its new) for three days in a row to make sure that they have no allergies. So I generally buy six of every different new flavour

So what inevitably happens is that one twin won’t like a particular flavour, or texture, and I am stuck with a ton of puree that only one twin will eat. While its not a train smash, we tend to feed the boys the same foods at mealtimes, and shove the ones that whichever of the boys don’t like into the back of the cupboard.

My paediatrician says that introducing textures to babies can only happen in one way – slowly and with patience. So I am sure they will ultimately get to those foods they don’t immediately like, but for the time being, I am limited to only a few choices.

Dylan gets easily bored with the same flavours, so at some point I will have to think about feeding them different foods. One book I have suggests that you let the baby play with the food first, but I am loath to do that since everything around me (including me) is already covered in food, and I would prefer not to drown in chicken puree if at all possible.

Buying (as opposed to cooking) their foods should make it easier, since its just a bottle that I have to open and I really don’t have to feed them the same stuff at meal times. But for some reason I feel like I shouldn’t.

What will make it harder, is that Jon and I have decided to start cooking their meals for them, for the simple reason that it will be far cheaper. The reason we have bought up until now, is that we both work full time jobs and cooking (Jon is far better at this than me) at the end of the day can feel like quite the chore.

Cooking their food may mean that we will have to cook a variety of meals for the boys and see which ones they like. I am sure this will get easier as they get older, but for now, its just wonderful to let them explore different tastes and textures.

So for the next few weeks I will be looking for decent recipes for baby food – your offerings would be welcome in the comments section.